Say goodbye to my ass, because I plan on dancing it off on New Year's Eve (don't worry, it will grow back). The Aloha Steamtrain is playing at the Elevens, and that is all I have planned. For the rest of the night I'll go wherever I can.

I forgot one of my more memorable Christmas gifts: My elderly grandmother sent cards to me, my sister, and my almost-3-year-old niece. Since her hands are too gnarled, her caregiver writes everything for her. I opened my card first; it had a check for $5.00 in it. My grandmother's almost 90. I'm not going to cash a check for $5 from her. Then we opened the card for my niece, which had a check for $20, and anote saying she should buy herself a book with it. Fine, Christmas is for the children, whatever. And then my sister opened her card, which had a check for $50.00.

Huh.

The card had a note saying she should spend it on stuff for her new apartment (they recently sold theirs for a huge profit and are now renting). OK. We decided that none of us should cash any of the checks, because just a few months ago my grandmother asked us all for money (I sent her a $100 bill; she was over the moon with gratitude) and clearly can't afford to give us cash. So none of this should matter to me. At first I laughed it all off, but now it feels like a diss. I told this story to H and L last night and they were incredulous. "She must have meant the $20 check for you!" they said. "Why would a 3-year-old need more than $5 for a book?" I say it's because I've gone and become single again, and since I have no family to share my salary with, I must be rolling in dough. That's my theory, anyway.

Edited to add: Apparently my grandma did not, in fact, mean to send me just $5. Whew! See first comment below for more info.