Yes, I went to a movie premiere. I did not get to set a foot on the red carpet; I and all of the other proles entered the regular entrance of the theater. Our little walkway was parallel to the R.C., however, so I did get to see the Star (short as he may be, he is still delicious) being interviewed under bright TV-camera lighting not 6 feet away. Also, once we entered the theater, a small but tight group of photographers were flashing at some beautiful willowy thing to our right, making me and the coworkers the background of the shot. I slowed my walk so I could get my blurry face into Us Weekly. Willowy girl was working it, standing with one leg forward and great posture, nice smile. I didn't recognize her.

Upstairs the concession area had complimentary popcorn and soda, though most were going for the bottled water (no calories, natch). It was crowded with the regular people who had worked on, for, and in the movie, with their children and such. We grabbed some popcorn and went in to take our seats — the nosebleeds in the back. Not that we cared, as the theater is beautiful, and it gave us a nice view of everyone else. We waited about half an hour for the movie to start, and in the interim I strained to see anyone semi-famous. I thought I saw Paulie Walnuts at one point, but it was just a lookalike. A gravelly-voiced, boozy-smelling, chunky middle-aged guy sitting behind us introduced himself to us "ladies", saying he had won a radio contest to be here, and that he was waiting for his "twin bruddah" to show up. We volunteered no information, having been overcome by creepy vibes. He asked us to watch his "stuff" — two plastic bags filled with things wrapped in paper bags — while he went out for a smoke and to find his brother. Drunk guy #1 came back with his twin, Drunk guy #2 , and it was time for the pretty people to finally sit down. A guy introduced the movie (the stars, producer, and director stood up when their names were called, to much applause) and so it began.

And it was a good movie. Even though I wouldn't have paid money to see it myself, there were a lot of great things about it, and what it does, it does very well. Unfortunately, I can't really give a fair and full review, because of the Drunk guys. They spoke at full volume throughout the entire film. Very drunkenly, and with a Long Island accent. And this is in a completely silent theater — silent because, let's remember, it's a frickin' world premiere. Here are some choice quotes:

#1: "Hey look -- it's Dick Vahmeil! Woo!"
#2: "Why didn't you talk to him when you saw him earlier?"
#1: "We'll talk to him at the pahty after, donworryaboutit."

[After a guy in the movie talks about how strength and speed isn't as important as having heart:]
"NO! Not true! No!"

[After thunder sounded in the movie:] "What the hell was that?" [After it starts to rain in the movie] "Oh, it was thundah and lightnin! I didn't know what that was!"

[After a song on the soundtrack starts playing:] "Steppenwolf! YEAH! It's Steppenwolf, ain't it?" [It wasn't.]

#2: "Giants! BOOOOOOO!"
#1: [angrily] "Shut up! Shh! The people are tryin to watch the film!"
#2: [loudly, belligerently] "It don' matter, it don' matter."

[The latter two sentences repeated throughout, often accompanied by #1 angrily getting up and changing seats to another row, where he continued to loudly "SHH!" his brother from 12 feet away before returning after a few minutes.]

At first I was amused, then scared, then just sad, and finally I was simply pissed off at having missed a good portion of the dialog. I gathered that the contest winner's brother was more of a fuck-up than he was, but that they were both sad, alcoholic failures unable to successfully navigate outside of the tiny bubbles of their regular lives. Their combination of being so oblivious to all social rules, and so quick to get angry at each other, paralyzed me. If I had gotten an usher to come over and tell them to leave, I was sure the situation would have escalated in volume to attract the attention of everyone in the theater.

After the credits started the four of us immediately stood up and started walking out, as #1 shouted at our cringing backs, "Sorry to ruin the movie for yah, ladies!" Oy. Turns out that one of the guys kept "accidentally" touching the shoulders of the most timid in our group, and that he spat on the arm of the least timid (she restrained herself from hitting him, but she did glare at him angrily and he backed down a little). So it could have been even worse for me.

Party was fine, very very crowded, unlimited video games and open bar and free snack food. After a while the memory of the drunk guys faded enough for me to unclench my shoulders. And then the next day I had my workshop at my old office, and on the drive home I taught my coworkers how to play Ghost (six editors, and nobody knew how to play! Blasphemy!), which they loved. I made it back to town just in time for weekly Trivia Night at the dub, and my team finally won second place -- but that's another story for another time.