I have never really learned how to do the upkeep involved in being a girl.

I'm going to the Cape for a couple of days, so I figured, what the hell - let me try waxing my bikini area. No Brazilian shit, just keep the borders clean and smooth. I usually shave and then there's several days of red bumps and then there's an itchy period and then by the time that's over it's time to shave again. It's really a good time all around. But hey, now I live alone and can take my time trying to use the wax, without embarrassment.

So I bought some no-heat waxing crap. I sat down in front of the TV, which was tuned to a rerun of ER, and then I got down to business.

The goo was sticker than I expected; it was painful just to spread it on, like multiple slow yanks on my hairs. I smoothed on a piece of the special ripping paper, took a couple of short sharp breaths, and yanked. It hurt, but it was bearable. I did it a few more times and it seemed to be going okay. But then, hey, what are those little red spots on the paper after I use it? That's right, blood. Are you supposed to bleed from the little holes the hairs leave? Because I was. And then I was all, I should keep going anyway, because frankly the areas I did are pretty damn smooth and soft, albeit flaming red. And then I did this one strip, and I must have done something not quite right, and it hurt VERY BADLY. Then I look at the area and there's a blue-purple bruise or blood vessel that ruptured! I didn't even know that outcome was in the realm of possibility! And really, is a slightly bulging purple bruise more attractive or less noticeable than a few little hairs? I think not.

So that's when I packed it in and hit the shower. I shaved the rest of the place. No more home-waxing for me. The after-self-cruelty lotion was nice, though.