I think I need to fire my therapist. I've been seeing her for 6 years. Lately all she does is make me second-guess my own decisions and plant seeds of doubt in my head. Which is exactly what I don't need. Here's a sample exchange:

me: Yeah, I emailed my family telling them if they wanted to help us out, they could send us some cash earmarked for A and T's school supplies. The kids ended up getting their grandparents to buy everything they needed, though.

T: How do your parents feel about giving money to P's kids?

me: Well, I know my mom is happy to help, she really likes the idea of having instant grandkids, and she thinks these kids are great. It doesn't even matter because they never got the email asking them to help.

T: Well, why would you give P money for his kids' clothes?

me: Um, it wasn't for clothes, it was for backpacks and binders and stuff, which we didn't even end up buying. I wouldn't buy them clothes, I guess...

T: Hey, as your therapist, I'm just looking out for you, because I know how bad you are at sticking up for yourself.

Do you see the problem here? 1. I don't think I'm bad at sticking up for myself. 2. What the hell would be wrong with giving money to a couple of kids that I love who are going through a traumatic event in their lives? 3. The way I asked for money from my family was done in a very no-pressure, optional way. Anyway, due to some error on my part I'm sure, the email missive I sent only went to the first person on my list - my grandmother, who happily sent a check for $50 for the girls to split, which they still don't know about. I think I'll suggest they spend it on curtains and other room essentials they need. Or maybe I'll spend it on their behalf. Which is my behalf too, since I want to try to help them be happy here.

Anyway. My therapist makes me feel dirty and wrong, like I'm living in sin. But she's an ex-bohemian hippie from NYC. I really don't get it. I see her point, kind of, that I'm the financially responsible one in the house, and here I am planning on adding even more to our collective debt (via a home equity loan for finishing our attic), which on paper P is not at all accountable for.... But why can't she just trust me to make the right decisions? Obviously I've thought about all of these things, and I know I'm taking a risk. I've spent much of my life avoiding risks and that's no way to live. Like I need someone else to doubt and judge me. Fuck her. I feel like I just waste my time with her, and we never get to the core of the problem, I spend the whole time explaining things I've already told her, or telling her things I've already solved on my own.

So that's why I have this blog! ha ha! You, my nine-hits-per-day readers, are my new therapist! ha ha ha!